Foody Lucy

Descending a dark staircase in central London lit up in red, I had no idea what to expect. It was a Monday evening, me and my friend Alice had the exciting opportunity to attend a ‘cheese speed dating event’ – and despite working with the team who put it on, I don’t think either of us were prepared for what was to come.

We were greeted with a complimentary cocktail by the team at Eve Bar (just off the Strand), a cocktail described by the server as ‘boozy apple juice’. I can’t remember the entire contents of the drink but I know that whiskey, mexcal, and lapsang tea were involved: overall an excellent autumnal drink. We had arrived at 5pm on the dot (more or less) but the room was already crowded, people milling about with their cocktails, chatting to each other, and generally uncertain about what the evening was going to hold. Here and there were the ‘actors’ – who we had been told about in our office – dressed and made up in extravagant, mildly bizarre, outfits. The two of us made our way to the bar, a bit confused about what was going on, but soon after the event officially started with an introductory talk from Emma Young – also known as @thecheeseexplorer on Instagram.

Emma gave us some introductory facts about French cheese in general, before letting us know that we would have four minutes with a ‘cheese’ (at this point it was made apparent that the ‘cheeses’ were the actors: effectively they personified the cheese) to get to know them more, find out about the cheese, and, of course, sample some. We were handed the dating profiles of the cheeses we were going to talk to that evening – including tidbits such as Brillat Savarin being a 30 year-old food critic for the Telegraph, a ‘bit of a dandy’ who loves ‘secretly trolling my rivals on social media’, or Bleu d’Auvergne being an eccentric but kind inventor – and the curiosity and bemusement heightened. Suddenly, a bell rang, and the speed-dating began. Alice and I quickly sat ourselves with the nearest cheese, a Little-Bo-Peep-esque woman with bright red lips and a blonde wig, speaking in a French accent (which, as someone fluent in French, was honestly not believable, but I wasn’t about to spend the evening complaining about this…).

She informed us that she was ‘Neufchâtel’, a heart shaped soft cheese from Normandy – according to her profile ‘a dreamy romantic with a passion for fashion and a big character hidden underneath cute clothes’. We had an excellent time with this first cheese – in her words ‘you never forget your first’ – before the bell rang and we swiftly moved to Brillat Savarin. Brillat was already one of my favourite cheeses (who can resist a triple cream cheese?) but the character sat in front of me didn’t wow me. As mentioned, he was a dandy, donning a top hat, elegant moustache, and (fake) cigarette: all of which I feel was appropriate as the personification of a cheese named after an 18th-century French politician and foodie – but not someone I would be interested in spending the evening with, whether on a real date or on a cheese date.

We moved next to Saint Nectaire: not a cheese I particularly like as it is a bit too earthy – ‘like licking the inside of a cave’ – for me. However the embodiment of Saint-Nectaire was a lot of fun: she was sporting the most talked about item of clothing of the evening, a hat in the shape of a bright red toadstool. We later found out that she had bought this for 200 pounds – before discovering a 20 pound version on Etsy. I’m not sure that this financial choice bode well for her whilst speed-dating… On a more serious note, despite not enjoying the flavour of the Saint-Nectaire as it is, she suggested an unexpected pairing: Shiso leaf. This is undoubtedly a combination I would try again: I am a huge fan of East Asian flavours, and any French/Japanese fusion food is always a plus in my book. This was probably the first thing I actually learnt that evening (not to brag but I have a background in cheese…) and I was really excited about it.

Then we moved to my favourite cheese of the night: Beaufort Chalet d’Alpage. As the name suggests, this cheese was a huge fan of the outdoors – particularly mountains – and has (allegedly) ‘been described as the French Bear Grylls’. We were met with a man wearing Lederhosen speaking in a deep (faux) French accent, very smoothly describing the cheese to us. Which in of itself was accurate: this cheese is very smooth, buttery, with a slight nutty note, turning almost into a toasty flavour; think Comté but smokier. Despite Brillat having always had a place in my heart, Beaufort very quickly made it to the top of my list. After the mandated four minutes the two of us decided to have a break – mainly as we had barely had time to wolf down our Beaufort samples – and we grabbed a glass of white wine from Languedoc as a palate cleanser, and to fortify ourselves with before moving onto the last two cheeses.

Époisses was up next, and portrayed by probably the most French-looking actor: tall, slim, with dark hair, ridiculous oversized glasses, and, of course a black turtle neck. According to their dating profile, they were an ‘author and meditation expert’ (and incidentally the only cheese using they/them pronouns – great to see an inclusive Époisses). I have had many Époisses over the years, its famously a cheese banned on public transport in France due to its washed rind (giving it a characteristic pungent smell), and it oozes out a slightly less pungent creamy centre, very silky and salty. I’ve always enjoyed it but this evening I discovered possibly my favourite way of eating it: with a small amount of blackcurrant jam. This led Alice to suggest what is in my opinion her best foodie idea yet: an Époisses and blackcurrant jam toastie. Recipe and subsequent review forthcoming.

Our final four minutes of speed-dating was spent with Bleu d’Auvergne, embodied by a very enthusiastic actor who, for the life of him, could not pronounce the name ‘Bleu d’Auvergne’. This aside, the cheese was also very good, and whilst I’m not the biggest blue-cheese eater, a small drizzle of honey really elevated the whole affair.

Despite having spent time with all the cheeses, the evening was far from over. The two of us floated from place to place – ensuring we were topped up with wine, grazing on a beautiful cheese and garnish board hidden away at the back of the room – and eventually ending up back at Époisses’ table. This is where things became, to quote Alice ‘a fever dream’. One of the cheeses gave us their Michael Caine impression – not a sentence I ever thought I would write – and when Beaufort saw me talking to Époisses, the two of them started fighting over me: again, a sentence I never thought I would say. Alice and I were enthralled, giggling away as two very obviously not French men argued about whether I wanted to be with Époisses or Beaufort more (I reassured Beaufort that I picked him – and indeed when choosing a favourite cheese at the end of the event, I wrote Beaufort’s name down).

Throughout the evening, we had also been served small, not-always-cheese-related canapés: all of which were to die for. I never thought I’d say it, but I became obsessed with a cauliflower tartlet (it had an incredibly citrusy, zesty flavour – absolutely stunning). The desserts were also stand out: a blackcurrant and woodruff tart alongside a small scoop of sorrel ice cream – herbaceous, tart, perfumed – and a slice of Brillat Savarin on a cherry bakewell with truffle honey – decadent, indulgent and rich – though I felt the cherry bakewell was somewhat redundant as the flavours of the honey and creaminess of the cheese overpowered it all.

The event slowly wound down to a close around 7pm, and I made my way home, my head still buzzing with the excitement and, in all honesty, weirdness, of the event. It definitely made me long for more French cheese, and was a great way of educating people on the different flavour profiles and food combinations available in the world of cheese – and given that Alice and I have been spending the entire past week talking about it in the office, it was not an event we’re going to forget in a hurry!